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a Misanthrope's Guide to the Service Industry (Part 2)

Today is my birthday, so I've decided it's a fantastic opportunity to bitch about group parties who come into a restaurant like they own the goddamn place.


1. Only 1 or 2 people should pay the bill with cards, or everyone should pay in cash. Cash is KING! (more on that later) Prepare for that shit folks. Also, parties of 5 or 6 or more DEFINITELY should have automatic gratuity. Serving a large party of your drunk asses ain't a picnic. If you see the auto grat is only 18 percent, or if the restaurant is owned by complete douchebags who don't enforce auto grat (ahem, my old job in Chelsea, ahem) make sure you fucking leave 20 percent. In general. Every time. No exceptions. Don't give me any excuses motherfucker, because I won't listen.

2. If you're bringing a cake or outside dessert of some kind, be prepared to pay a cake cutting fee. Same with popping bottles you've brought. Here's a better idea, though: if you're going to a restaurant for a party, then spend money at the restaurant! There's fees for a reason, dumbass. They're losing money when you don't order the nonsense on their menu. Even better idea, don't go to the restaurant at all. I'd much rather serve 2 people than 10. Less is more. Especially when I hear Britney cackle drunkenly, "Omg! I can't believe I'm 25. I am SO OLD! WOOOOO!" Fuck you and your rich friends Britney. Fuck you. At 25 I could barely afford beer let alone a 3 course meal with 15 of my "closest" friends at a trendy restaurant.

3. Don't expect any server to sing Happing Birthday to your ass. Unless, of course, you went to Applebees for your birthday. Can't fault you for that. That happy hour and molten cake is delish. Do they still have that? Maybe I should go there today. When in the midwest, do as the midwesterners do, right?

4. Don't whine that it's your birthday so you should get special treatment from the chef and therefore deserve a completely altered and personalized meal from a very fancy menu just because you're "allergic" to garlic. And onion. Also sensitive to cilantro. We know you're not allergic, ya spoiled bitch. I will cut you off after your fifth margarita if you don't watch it.

5. As a server, I will never judge friends or even the birthday boy or girl themselves, for bringing balloons, gifts, or party favors. To be honest, a change of pace and a little color helps break up the oppressive mundaneness of working in the same restaurant day in and day out. Just make sure that shit is out of my goddamn way.

6. Your 5 year old doesn't deserve a party unless it's at Chuck E. Cheese. I don't care if you and your friends are using the group "birthday" brunch as an excuse to drink mimosas while "keeping an eye" on the kids. Crotchfruit don't deserve brunch until they're old enough to drink. Learn how to make french toast. (More on children in restaurants later)

In conclusion, I am 31 today and will not be leaving the house. Not even for Applebees.

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